On Pining

Someone told me recently that the stories of my childhood are somewhat akin to the story of ‘Little Women’. He said the relationships I have with my family, my sisters and my friends are just precious to see.

And even more frequently I’ve been told that one can tell how close I am with these people in my life by the way I talk about them; the way I weave stories of them into my conversations with new friends.

And it’s true, it seems that even though distance has parted me from the ones most dear to my heart, I can’t escape them. The memories of them creep into my every moment. I catch a fleeting glimpse of my childhood here and a flashback of my friend there all throughout the day.

There’s a piece of my heart back home, with each and every person I love. My heart tore in pieces when I left; and what’s left of my heart with me bleeds at the aching pain of loss.

 

It’s recently hit me just how much I miss home and family and friends. And I feel as though I must learn how to be friends again.

The friends that have been with me all through my life are like a family; we have the past, the childhood and the memories that bind you so close together, you might as well be super-glued to them!

That sort of bond doesn’t happen in a month. It takes decades to pile up that much love for someone. But here I am: thirsting for those soul-satisfying moments with those who know me most….and it’s not there, at least not where I live. It’s an hour south of where I live; fifty-something miles away by interstate. Those moments only happen at certain times, when the missing becomes so severe I can almost feel my heart breaking.

There are many lovely people that have been placed in my life right now; people who, I think, might one day be like family. But they aren’t yet, and not for lack of trying. It just takes time and I’m impatient.

What kills me is just how much I took it for granted, being surrounded by so many selfless and caring people. Back in those days I pined for my boyfriend, living at the time, where I live now. And now I pine for those who were with me when he took my heart with him on that interstate every weekend.

It hurts, all this loneliness; and my past has proven that I am not the best at dealing with my grief.

It’s so much easier to pretend it’s not there and go on being blindly happy instead. But the heart keeps breaking and you eventually become numb to the pain.

Being numb to the pain also makes you numb to the happiness, and I don’t want that.

 

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we didn’t have hearts? But how colorless would our world be if that were the case?

Don’t take people who love you for granted, because when life takes you away from them one day, that is when you will miss them the most. Soak up your every moment with those people. Memorize their every expression and their every quirk. Life is so short and the times with those you love is never long enough, make sure that you never take it for granted.

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