Youthfullness

This night reminded me of one of my favorite books/movies: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

All four of us ran out into the night, behind the apartments. The dog chasing after us, twilight setting in. We climbed on rocks, crowned and banished a king, making him punish himself for his transgressions. We threw rocks at things, we danced and had piggy-back races. We told scary stories, we played on the playground; we would spin in the swing as fast as we could then try to run in a straight line. We played king of the hill on the jungle gym, forming alliances and kicking people out of the castle.

When our feet strayed home well after dark, we swept into the apartment with the night air clinging to our clothes like the perfume of a lover; the chill air making our cheeks red and raw; the dampness making our hair frizzy; the exercise making us breathe deeply: in and out. We all collapsed in the living room laughing and talking about horror movies.

And then we spent the rest of the night playing video games and laughing at each other. At 1am, they left while me and my husband held hands and talked about how much fun we had.

There are friends in your life that you can talk with and hang out with and have meaningful conversations with. And then there are those friends that can do all that but also take you back to being a kid again…those are friends worth having.

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The Musings Of A Seriously Pissed Off Woman

So, you know when you get annoyed by something little?

Your brain is telling you to overreact, that it’s the end of the world, but it’s really not.

So you just take a deep breath and let it roll off your back.

 

So you know when you have one of those days where you get annoyed by a lot of little things?

That no matter how many times you tell yourself that you’re fine, it’s okay, don’t freak out, you’re being childish, you need to stop being childish…(no for real Mel, stop being a stupid baby about stuff, you’re 24, grow up already!)….you can’t get a hold of things and that leads to soul consuming anger!

So you find as many people as you can to bitch about things until you feel better but you still end up mad at the end of the day.

 

It’s been one of those days and I need a stiff drink and a good night’s sleep to not feel upset anymore. Unfortunately, I am not in immediate possession of a good stiff drink, so a good night’s sleep will have to suffice.

That is all.

Peace!

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On Being Fearful

Lately, through counselling and lots of alone time, I’ve come to realize that by nature, I’m a fearful person.

Not cowardly, fearful. And I believe there is a big difference between the two.

Cowardly is running from things you are afraid of; letting that thing take a hold of you and rule over you.

Being fearful is knowing what makes you scared and facing it anyway.

This year, a goal of mine has been to face my fears; to purposefully put myself in situations that I become anxious or fearful in. To walk into that situation admitting my fear but forcing myself to be brave.

 

It hasn’t been easy.

 

I’ve come to realize that one of my biggest fears is messing up, that I won’t live up to some “unspoken standard” that others may have. I don’t want to go through life afraid of others opinions of me; I want to go through life living the life I’m destined to live. To grow into the person I’m supposed to be every, single day. To be unashamedly who I am, to not be afraid of who God made me.

I think that’s easier said than done; you’re lying if you say that you are never affected by someone else’s opinion. We are all affected, in different degrees, by the judgments of others.

But, I hope we can each learn to live our life the we were each designed to.

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On Feeling Free

The times when I feel free:

Driving on a lonely, dark road in the middle of the night. Just me, my music and the road ahead of me. That one song playing that makes my heart ache so that I have never been so aware of  my own pulse before. The wind enticing my hair to be wild and tangled. The quiet, the loneliness, the complete and utter thrill of it is too beautiful.

Being alone on a wooded path, a storm blowing in. Seeing the dark, water soaked clouds soaring above; preparing for a raging battle. The cold, wet wind pushing my hair away from my face and causing my shirt to ripple against my body. Gusts of wind trying to push me over. The smell of rain so intoxicating that my skin begins to prickle for the feeling of it.

The quiet morning, packing up the car to drive somewhere. Map in one hand, coffee in another, sunglasses protecting my dark-accustomed eyes from the first, soft touches of sunlight. Cuddled up with my pillow and snacks, greeting the open road sleepily.

Telling stories of my childhood. The strange and beautiful things that we saw from the forest; the way the sun made us brown and the thorns striped our skin red. The heat and the cold and the bonfires and the treehouse. The way my friend said that our house was like a castle and an escape from the real world. And the way me and my sisters swore the basement was haunted and was the fuel of so many nightmares.

Playing a new album for the first time, like the beginning of a relationship. Feeling timid and unsure of the emotional journey ahead. Not knowing where this is headed, scared of making the wrong choice. And then that song…….why did I question things to begin with?

Falling in love with my husband’s blue eyes all over again and the way his hand fits so naturally into mine.

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Open Arms & Open Doors

When my love and I began to dream of a life together, a life of waking up every morning to each other’s sleepy eyes, we spoke of having open arms and open doors.

As we spun our dreams into shape, we dreamed of a home of peaceful chaos. Raucous gatherings that stretched into the midnight hours, of opening up our hearts to strangers, of laughter and food that never ended. Flowing wine and flowing words; of stories being told underneath starry skies. We imagined friends that spent so much time within our walls that they somehow became of a part of them.

We wanted weary feet to somehow find their way to our doorstop so they could find rest. We wanted love to burn so brightly at our house that people gathered there as moths to a flame.

 

Being a romantic, there is a tendency within my heart to imagine something so utterly beautiful that reality can never comply to it.

But I will say, this night was the closest to that dream I have ever been.

 

People I had never known were sitting at my table and eating my food. Small couplings of people were scattered about the apartment. The only lull in the conversation is when we were too concentrated on the game Boggle to say anything at all. Old friends gathered and new friends were made.

Nothing hurried, nothing rushed. Just riotous peace.

There was a glow in the room that has filled up my heart to the brim and I still feel the aftermath of it; like the scarlet remnants of a roaring fire.

And when I met the eyes of my love across the room, we knew….this was the prelude of our dream.

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