As mentioned in my complain-ey, angsty and highly whiny post a few days ago, there is some exciting news that I have to tell you guys. Most of my readers are friends and family (Hi mom!) so most of you won’t be surprised by this….
So let’s just cut to the chase: I’m pregnant
I’m 24 and I’m pregnant.
You know, when I was a little girl and I dreamed about having a family one day, the reveal to my husband that I was pregnant played out something like this. It’s morning, right before the husband goes off to work, we’re eating breakfast together and I’ve kept this secret to myself for about a week now….just to make sure. I’m smiling to myself, feeling all warm and fuzzy as I drink orange juice, and then finally I can’t hold it in any longer. “Honey,” I say to the husband, “I have some news for you.” I have his attention and there are tears creeping into my eyes. “You’re going to be a daddy!” I say in a half-whisper, half-laugh. And then he takes me in his arms and won’t let go and we laugh and talk about our future child together, ultimately making him late for work.
Isn’t it funny how adulthood isn’t any thing like the way you imagined it would be when you were eight?
The real life, messy, adulthood story went something like this: there’s malibu rum in the liquor cabinet, I have a large Coke from McDonald’s and I’m thinking about pouring a lot of that rum into my large Coke. But something in the back of my mind says, “You’re eight days late, maybe you should use that last pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet just to be safe…” But then I tell myself, “Oh yeah, well the last time you were late you took the pregnancy test and it was negative and then you started the next day so don’t worry about it! Enjoy your rum and coke, you’ll start soon….there’s no way you’re pregnant. You just got off the pill last month!” But then the back of my mind speaks up again, “But you might be! You’d never forgive yourself if you were actually pregnant and you killed this baby just because you didn’t check.” I retort with, “Fine!! I have to pee anyway…”
Five minutes later, there is a positive pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter and my heart is pounding and I feel my stomach sinking all the way into my toes. I mean, it wasn’t like we were preventing a baby but I thought I had at least six months to get used to the idea that we could have a baby…..it just happened way faster than I had planned.
I find the husband, wordlessly grab his hand, take him to the bathroom and show him the test. He starts smiling as I start bawling.
Why is the real adulthood so much messier and not like a scene in a movie?
And maybe there are some of you out there saying, “Do you know how many women wished they had your problem?” “You should be thankful!’ “You’re so lucky!”
I know all that, there are a total of four women (probably more) in my life that tried for years before they could get pregnant. And all of their stories were ringing in my ears that night! But I couldn’t get over the soul-crushing fear of what bringing another human being into the world really entailed. There are so many ways where I still feel like a teenager….I’m still a baby, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, I don’t even have me figured out yet! Much less what to do with a child!
That night, I realized how little I know and how scary this journey is. Needless to say, I had a little emotional meltdown which was cured by a salad and Halo 4.
I’m 10 weeks and 3 days as of this moment, and the more I’ve told family/friends, the more I’ve dreamed of what this baby will look like and what it will be like to hold it, the moment I saw it’s heart beating on the ultrasound…the more the excitement has built and the fear has died down slightly.
But guys, can I let you in on a secret: I’m still absolutely terrified and I’m learning to find peace in the fact that I have no idea what’s going to happen.
The beginning of a very long, very scary but very exciting journey……