Life Changing

As mentioned in my complain-ey, angsty and highly whiny post a few days ago, there is some exciting news that I have to tell you guys. Most of my readers are friends and family (Hi mom!)  so most of you won’t be surprised by this….

So let’s just cut to the chase: I’m pregnant

I’m 24 and I’m pregnant.

You know, when I was a little girl and I dreamed about having a family one day, the reveal to my husband that I was pregnant played out something like this. It’s morning, right before the husband goes off to work, we’re eating breakfast together and I’ve kept this secret to myself for about a week now….just to make sure. I’m smiling to myself, feeling all warm and fuzzy as I drink orange juice, and then finally I can’t hold it in any longer. “Honey,” I say to the husband, “I have some news for you.” I have his attention and there are tears creeping into my eyes. “You’re going to be a daddy!” I say in a half-whisper, half-laugh. And then he takes me in his arms and won’t let go and we laugh and talk about our future child together, ultimately making him late for work.

 

Isn’t it funny how adulthood isn’t any thing like the way you imagined it would be when you were eight?

 

The real life, messy, adulthood story went something like this: there’s malibu rum in the liquor cabinet, I have a large Coke from McDonald’s and I’m thinking about pouring a lot of that rum into my large Coke. But something in the back of my mind says, “You’re eight days late, maybe you should use that last pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet just to be safe…” But then I tell myself, “Oh yeah, well the last time you were late you took the pregnancy test and it was negative and then you started the next day so don’t worry about it! Enjoy your rum and coke, you’ll start soon….there’s no way you’re pregnant. You just got off the pill last month!” But then the back of my mind speaks up again, “But you might be! You’d never forgive yourself if you were actually pregnant and you killed this baby just because you didn’t check.” I retort with, “Fine!! I have to pee anyway…”

Five minutes later, there is a positive pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter and my heart is pounding and I feel my stomach sinking all the way into my toes. I mean, it wasn’t like we were preventing a baby but I thought I had at least six months to get used to the idea that we could have a baby…..it just happened way faster than I had planned.

I find the husband, wordlessly grab his hand, take him to the bathroom and show him the test. He starts smiling as I start bawling.

 

Why is the real adulthood so much messier and not like a scene in a movie?

 

And maybe there are some of you out there saying, “Do you know how many women wished they had your problem?” “You should be thankful!’ “You’re so lucky!”

I know all that, there are a total of four women (probably more) in my life that tried for years before they could get pregnant. And all of their stories were ringing in my ears that night! But I couldn’t get over the soul-crushing fear of what bringing another human being into the world really entailed. There are so many ways where I still feel like a teenager….I’m still a baby, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, I don’t even have me figured out yet! Much less what to do with a child!

That night, I realized how little I know and how scary this journey is. Needless to say, I had a little emotional meltdown which was cured by a salad and Halo 4.

I’m 10 weeks and 3 days as of this moment, and the more I’ve told family/friends, the more I’ve dreamed of what this baby will look like and what it will be like to hold it, the moment I saw it’s heart beating on the ultrasound…the more the excitement has built and the fear has died down slightly.

But guys, can I let you in on a secret: I’m still absolutely terrified and I’m learning to find peace in the fact that I have no idea what’s going to happen.

The beginning of a very long, very scary but very exciting journey……

Advertisements
Standard

Annoyance

That moment when you have important news to share with family and friends. You start with the people most important in your life, (like family) for obvious reasons, they have dibs to know important news first. Then you make your way down through the food chain. Friends you’ve known forever, friends that mean the most to you and then you leave acquaintances to find out via social media.

The hardest part though, is to keep this news off of social media until everyone that means something in your life has heard it in person. And with a culture that is fixated with social media, how does that even happen? Part of me wants to keep this certain important news off of social media entirely and just let people hear through hearsay (because, let’s be honest, some people have nothing better to do than to spread stories about people….)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, there are certain people who keep coming back to me saying, “Oh my gosh Mel, when can we tell people? I just want to tell everybody and I’m tired of waiting…”

Oh yeah, well take a step in my shoes. I had to keep a poker face on for a very sweet friend of mine because I had to tell you first! Jeez!

 

This post is very whiny and vague (the very stuff that I say I despise), will you forgive me? I figured that since you decide to follow me and read my ramblings that you wouldn’t mind so much and you can ignore this if that is what you so desire.

And you will hear this bit of important news…..once two more people hear it from me in person, I promise.

Thank you for being the coolest friend out there, internet friends!

Standard

Wal-Mart With My Sisters

My family just moved up to Virginia. I’m stuck here in lame-o Alabama and they are having crazy adventures far away!

It’s not fair.

But I’ll stop pouting and make something good out of this.

 

My two younger sisters and I love having sister sleepovers. They started in the basement at mom and dad’s house when we were teenagers and have continued as I moved away. Traditions that take place at sister sleepovers are as follows: a movie (or two, or three), an inordinate amount of snacking that would shame us if we told people, watching youtube, swapping music, lazing around on our computers/phones, a midnight trip to Wal-Mart, sometimes a photo shoot and, if it’s been a while, a sister fight where two of us are mad at each other while the third tries to help them  make up.

By the time we reach Wal-Mart, we have reached that point of the night called delirium. Where not enough sleep+tons of sugar+enough caffeine to power a small city=Everything is freaking hilarious and I have no idea why I’m laughing or why I just said that thing that makes no sense! (We’ve all been there, don’t lie to yourself…)

At our last sister sleepover, we needed blank cds to burn music. My sisters were going to be driving up to Virginia together and they needed lots of my music to pass the time on the drive.

We go to Wal-Mart except it’s not midnight….it’s 5pm. But we were still as loud and crazy and weird as if it was 3 in the morning!

We go looking for the cds and look way longer than we should have. We found them and decided to browse through their movies and music section. We were laughing and talking and having a great time, when my sister gestured wildly with her arm and accidentally flung the cds under one of the music displays!

At this point, we’re laughing so hard that we’re about to collapse as my sister gets on the floor trying to reach under the aisle to retrieve what she lost.

“It’s too far back there for me to reach….oops!”

Turning on our heels and suppressing our giggles, we nonchalantly walk away to get more cds. Shortly afterwards, we meet up with my husband and decide to go pick out snacks for the night.

As we’re walking and talking and making jokes we all stop in our path…..spellbound….

There, rolling slowly and lopsidedly across our path, is the cylinder of cds we lost under the aisle!!!

I lost it, my sisters lost it, the husband had no idea what was going on as we gave that poor little cylinder a temporary home in the $5 movie bin.

“It’s haunting us!!” we all exclaimed.

And then we made up scenarios of the cds making their way to my house in the middle of the night and peeking in the window seeking out revenge late in the night!

It was one of those things where if someone brought it up that night, we’d melt into a fresh fit of laughter all over again.

 

So this is to you my literal soul sisters….you are some of the coolest and raddest people I know and you better skype me all the time or I will come up there myself and we’ll stay up talking all night long! I miss all of you so much already!

Standard

Freedom

Something I’ve noticed increasingly of my generation is the emphasis on freedom.

Whether you’re watching a YouTube celebrity or talking to your best friend between the ages of 18-28, a topic that always arises (at least for me) is that of freedom.

Freedom emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically or spiritually. At least from my observations, it’s a priority of this generation.

This is just a crazy ramble of words, don’t think too much into this; but I think this increased interest in personal freedom comes from the social norms that we’ve seen pressed onto our parents.

This is what grown-ups do. This is what children do. This is what girls like. This is what boys like.

Too much compartmentalizing can drive a person mad, don’t you think? We are all complex individuals, with stories and experiences that make us radically different from the person sitting next to us. We’ve all experienced different adventures and walked different paths that make us bent towards certain things.

 

On the other hand, something that has caused me some hurt is when kids from this generation put down certain people as “giving up their freedom”.

I got married when I was 21. A lot of people would say that I was giving up my freedom, that I was tied down too soon, that I hadn’t experienced life yet. That hurt. I may have to compromise on things with this guy I promised to be with forever, but we also like to get McDonalds together super late and come home to play halo and cuddle. He loves me even when I look gross and burp out loud sometimes….for serious, what’s more free than that? I don’t have to pretend that I always look perfect, I can stay in my pajamas all day and this boy doesn’t judge me! (Do you think I’m gross now? I’m not I promise!)

I’ve seen the same thing for people who choose to start a family at a young age. Like having a kid somehow makes you less free as an individual.

Comments like, “I’m out drinking with my girls while you’re home with your kid!” Uuummmm, have you heard of this invention called a babysitter?

Honestly, comments like that have terrified me about starting a family one day! I don’t want to be this young woman who isn’t free anymore and just gave it all up!

 

I think that’s a flawed way of thinking.

Someone who is really and truly free shouldn’t have to constantly validate that they are indeed free.

I believe that freedom is a state of mind. When you get married and start a family, there are definitely certain freedoms that you may have to sacrifice. But if go into that situation willing to make those sacrifices, does that make you enslaved?

Can’t you be free in your thinking and your dreaming and your doing? Can’t you break the norms and just be who you want to be?

Being a wife has given me the freedom to mess up (bad) and know that the person who loves me most still loves me for who I am, mistakes and all! And I hope that one day, when I become a mother that I will find freedom in teaching my kid how to truly be free. To learn to love myself and all my flaws as I teach a human being to do the same.

Freedom is important, but if we are in a constant state of worry about our freedom, are we really free?

 

If you made it through this whole ramble, I’m giving you an internet high-five, or a fist bump, or celebratory hug, or an intricate secret, friend handshake…whatever floats your boat!

I hope this made some sort of sense. Tell me what you think! (Please be gentle, mean people make me sad…)

Standard

Summer

We run out into the night behind the school. We start swinging under the stars with the song Pearly Dewdrops Drop playing on my phone. I throw my head back and see hundreds of stars shining so brightly, I swear I can count them all. My cousins are swinging on either side of me and I can see their silhouettes against the night sky as they soar into the heights.

The night is cool and damp; the grass smells so green. The houses around us are quiet and dark and everything is so peaceful.

Those are the memories that make summer so beautiful and bittersweet.

Standard