To The Enemy In The Kitchen

Dear Mr. Roach,

Hi, you have taken up temporary residence in my kitchen and, not to be rude, I’m not particularly happy about it.

You see, you’ve really failed in the friendliness department and I’d like to take the time to explain what I mean.

First off, we met when I caught you loitering around my dog’s food bowl. Now why would you try to steal food from my dog? Princess Zelda is the sweetest puppy that has ever lived and doesn’t deserve anybody taking her food! In fact, the husband and I found her starving with all her ribs poking out. Would you care to explain why you’d ever want to take food away from a dog with that kind of history? You could really bring up some really bad past issues with her! I was trying to be kind in letting you get away that day, after all you were still a young roach who hadn’t quite grown up to be so big and scary. (And you disappeared before I had the chance to—uh—deal with you.)

The second time we met, you really happened upon me in the most rude manner! You see, I’ve been in a funk these past few months and that day, I’d finally mustered up enough energy to tackle the few dishes in the sink. I was simply trying to be a grown up and load up the dishwasher and you scuttled across the counter, nearly attacked my hand and disappeared into my dishwasher! How am I supposed to do the dishes if you are hiding in my dishwasher?? You scared the living daylights out of me with your bigness and scariness. That wasn’t cool man! Just so you know, I haven’t been able to open that dishwasher for three days now and I blame you!!

And last but not least, that one night that I was letting my dog outside and I saw you scuttle across the counter and take up your hiding place under the sink. Look, I’m all about helping out. If you needed a place to hunker down for a day–two tops–I get that, I can deal with that. But Mr. Roach, it’s been 5 days!! I didn’t give you permission to stay here and I really do need to ask you to leave! You are living in places where I frequent these days–THE KITCHEN!! Look, I’m prego, I need food! When this baby gets hungry it’s either feed him or submit myself to sharp kicks to the bladder. You are standing in my way of eating and then dealing with the dishes and utensils of said eating. You taking up a temporary living situation by the sink and the cabinet close to the fridge is really not helping me and it’s keeping me from doing thing I need to do–namely, eating and dishes.

This is your one and only warning, you’ve GOT to go! I really cannot take no for an answer and if you haven’t vacated the premises by tomorrow, you leave me no choice but to bring in the big guns. I will send my husband after you, or worse, the pest control guy….yeah, he’s got poisonous stuff that you can’t handle!

Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but this is not your house and you can’t stay here anymore. I hope I have made myself clear and that I haven’t offended you too terribly.

Thank you,

Melanie

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