To The Girl With The Peter Pan Soul

You have always been child-like and I mean that in the best of ways. From the childish sparkle in your eyes to the wry, mischievous grin that you gave so freely. When I think of you as an old woman, I still see you barefoot in the grass with children and animals flocked around you.

You have a gentle spirit that charms children and animals alike. You are a whisperer to the wild things inside of them and they are calmed and warmed by you. I’ve never seen a kid that didn’t want to play with you or a spooked horse that you couldn’t walk right up to.

You have a gentle, Peter Pan soul that is brilliant.

But, dear one, I think as your body has grown up, your little soul has become frightened and confused. Despite your will, you are growing up and there are responsibilities and realities that you are so scared to face.

It isn’t fair, I know. Life was easier when we were children and it’s only natural to wish we could crawl back in our childhood beds when it was early on a Saturday morning. Your family was all there, tucked snugly in their beds at peace; there’s a security in that.

But sweet girl, Peter Pan, even though he was a child, was so brave. He faced the scariest of bad guys and saved those he cared about all on his own. And when he fell out of his pram as a baby he didn’t get scared; no, he stuck out his chest, held his head high and shouted to his fears that he would not be afraid and that he could do whatever he put his mind to.

He didn’t grow up because he didn’t want to….and so it was!

And although you can’t quite stop yourself from growing, I know you can conquer all your fears and all that you put your mind to. Because in your child-like quality you are strong.

Your body must grow old my dear, and with that comes a reality that is harsh and scary and raw. But please promise me, please, that you will always let your Peter Pan soul soar to unimaginable heights. Don’t try to cage that up because it is a beautiful and wild thing that must be loved and whispered to. Always leave the window open for that restless and innocent soul of yours.

I love you.

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Creatures of the Night

So there’s this quote that I stumbled across but then lost it in the infinity of the internet. And with all my searching I’ve yet to find the source and the author of said quote! If any of you know the origins of this it would make me the happiest person if you could tell me who wrote this so I can give credit where credit is due.

“I’ve always liked people who say the night is young.”

And I really do like people who say this. I feel a camaraderie with them.

Those are the ones who don’t want to go home, who don’t want the party to end, who want to dance until the sun comes up, who want to waste the night away in laughter. The odd brotherhood that is formed with strangers at a party, where a few glasses of wine has you spilling your heart out to someone you just met.

Those who crave to run out in the night shrieking under the stars, adventures that happen to good music, driving down a dark interstate with the windows down and your favorite song playing.

Those who know that at night, possibilities are endless. You can be whoever you want to be tonight. Tonight, you are infinite, you are young, you are–just for now–happy and the troubles of tomorrow are forgotten.

Why is it that the night dusts everything in golden, shimmering magic?

It fills moments up to brimming with feelings so deep you fear you might break from the weight of them.

The night is young, now let’s go dance.

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Bear

For Christmas last year, my youngest sister gave me a spirit animal: a little animal carved out of stone.

My spirit animal was the bear.

At first I was a little uncertain; I mean, I always pictured my spirit animal being something a little more graceful. But when I read the card attached to it, I understood.

It reads:

“The Bear Spirit brings peace, modesty and benevolence. Bears are brave and defend their offspring. They have a very strong motherly nature. “

The thing I’ve been wrestling with lately (as somewhat mentioned in my post Secret Confessions of a Bad-ass Wannabe) is the idea of who I want to be and the reality of who I really am.

I can try to pretend that I’m that girl with the IDGAF attitude but in reality, I’m a softy who just wants to take care of people. So when I held that bear figurine in my hands, I realized I needed to embrace who I was: a mom figure.

I’ve always been the mom of most of my friend groups.

As a matter of fact, at one of my retail jobs, I was working the opening shift with the manager and he was telling me that him and his girlfriend had gone to see the Winnie the Pooh movie the night before.

“We realized that there were as many Winnie the Pooh characters as people working here and we figured out who was who last night.”

“No way! Tell me…”

He made his way down the list and everyone was spot on! And then he said, “And you are Kanga because you’re like everyone’s mom.”

I’ve always fought my softer side; I’ve always wanted to be the kind of woman that you don’t want to mess with. And I am a firm believer that if you want to change something about yourself, you can. But I think that there are some things about you that are inherently a part of your soul that you can never change. And for me, it’s the fact that I’m motherly, that I’m cute, that I’m at times too naive. But this year I’m learning that those things don’t make me weak, they are my strengths if I learn to use them as such.

Don’t fight against yourself, learn to embrace who you were made to be.

Besides, everyone knows not to mess with a mama bear.

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Gas-Station Famous

When I was pregnant, I craved all kinds of candy: skittles, but mostly starbursts.

Conveniently for a very-pregnant me, there was a gas station a mere 2 minutes from our house that I could drive to up till 11pm to buy said candy.

Add up at least six months of a girl buying two things at this gas station and as you can guess, they started to know me as the “skittles and coke” girl. It started out with comments like, “Skittles again?”

But then it started happening when I wasn’t there!

One night, my husband went out for me and when he came back he reported that they looked at him and said, “Does she need her skittles and coke again?”

Needless to say, I was a little embarrassed.

I hadn’t been in that gas station since the birth of my son, it’s been at least three months since I’ve shown my face. Tonight was my first night back.

I went up to the register, half hoping that my new haircut/haircolor would throw them off and they wouldn’t notice me. (I was buying for my sick husband anyway…I’m not a fatty!)

But when I get up to the register I’m met with the familiar, “You’re getting skittles again!”

I laughed, “You know me!”

The two guys behind the counter then ask me how my baby is doing and beg me to bring him sometime so they can see him. I promise to bring him soon and then whip out my phone to show them pictures of my chubby boy. They said he looked healthy and happy.

It’s a little embarrassing being known as the girl who buys inordinate amounts of candy…but at the same time, I’ve always wanted to be a “regular” somewhere and it’s happened….so there’s that I guess.

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The Scariest Halloween Ever

So, it was Halloween 2010. I’d been dating the husband for about a year and I knew he had a ring. So when he asked me to go on a walk with him (even though it was a common thing for us) I had to go because what if THIS was the day?!?!?!

That’s another story for another day though because he didn’t propose to me.

We’re covering our usual walking-route around his neighborhood and because it’s fall-time, there’s a Fall Festival being held at the little church a short walk from his parent’s home.

We’re walking down the road, minding our own business, talking, having a great time…….when all of a sudden, we look up to see a life size Raggedy Ann walking towards us.

I’m not talking about someone dressed in Raggedy Ann’s dress with a painted face. I’m talking about someone dressed as Raggedy Ann with a giant, perfectly replicated, Raggedy Ann head on its shoulders.

It looked like a doll had been made life size, and it was scary…

So, not only was it odd to see a giant Raggedy Ann just wandering the streets but what it proceeded to do was even more terrifying.

As we approach, Raggedy Ann walks to the side of the road and stands watching as we pass. Just as we are passing her by, she lifts up a mitten covered hand and waves it back and forth until we’ve walked away.

So, I’m going to go have nightmares for the rest of my life now……..

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Mother’s Day

First Mother’s Day as a real mom…like, what?!

But really though, it’s been fun. The husband took care of baby at 6am so I could have a few extra hours of sleep and only woke me up to give me my present from little man!

Being a mother now (not a very experience one but one nonetheless) I’ve realized all that my mom did for me growing up that I never realized.

I mean, you have this person that depends on you for absolutely everything and instead of hating that thing for taking everything from you–your body, your life, your freaking sleep–you love it to the point you’re afraid of breaking it! You carried that person inside your body for nine months of your life!!

It doesn’t make sense that you can love someone so much; someone that doesn’t give you anything in return. And yet, you awake to the cries at ungodly hours and are only slightly put out.

So to all the Mother’s that gave up so much of themselves for their children and to my mom in particular: thank you. Without you, where would we be?

Besides, you pushed a real human out of your body…sometimes more than once. You’re a freaking bad-ass!!

Love you mom!

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Young Women

How did it happen?

I’m looking into the face of a little girl; the cherub cheeks and baby lips of my sisters. All curls and chubby flesh.

And then I blinked.

I swear it was only a blink, it lasted only a second; yet that face, so familiar, like the lines on my hand, that face is the same…but different.

Those eyes are no longer eyes of a child but the eyes of a woman; burning and blossoming brightly like the light of stars. The innocence in the face is gone and is replaced with a beauty that is blinding and inviting.

And then I mourn; but my mourning seems selfish and unkind. I don’t wish away any of the adventures and fun but I don’t understand the unfairness of taking those little girls away from me.

I look into the eyes of my sisters. I share my soul with them. We bend and sway in laughter together. I hold them in my arms. Our hearts are tangled together because of the space we occupied in our mother’s womb.

How did it happen?

Where did those years go?

Where did those little girls go?

Who are these young women?

I look into the eyes of my sisters. I know them and they know me. Their faces at once so familiar are also the faces of strangers. They have changed and so have I and the years are cruel to us because they are slowly stripping our girlhood and youth from us.

I look into the eyes of my sisters as they turn into women. And I feel a lump in my throat because, in a way, I feel as if I’m saying goodbye to who they were.

But I swear that I won’t stay sad forever because I’m meeting who they are…and, my word, they are so beautiful.

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